I know that something people say when a “bad” thing happens is, “It’s a blessing in disguise.” However, I really do not think this blessing is really in much of any disguise. I’m free. I have no credit card debt. My school loans can pretty repeatedly be deferred/forebeared. I have an employed life partner. I have some money saved up. My car works. I can just do things I like for a while – or at least let’s hope. I can learn more about operating nonprofits, doing taxes for nonprofits, creating my own businesses, and becoming the employer I’ve always wanted to work for – me. Boo, why does it have to be me? Why Can’t I find someone that I actually like to work for … for money? There are plenty of nonprofits that I love doing work for and I love the people and the organization. But the jobs I get for money – though there have only been two of them since law school – they are the pits. Anyway, I got laid off. Guess I needed to take a break from this particular race. I shall go find some cheese.
Boys Club still exists in law firms
“Men who support men who only take direction from men. Be gone. When you put a woman in charge, don’t undercut it by bringing in some man to give direction I already gave because you know your shit employee will only listen to a man.” -me. This is just infuriating. And one of the attorneys i supervise took a BIG pay cut (with no consult with me or her) and is asked to do more. What the what? How about just fire the man brat who is not man enough to follow directions from a woman?!?!?! That would save loads of my time.
You haven’t worked hard until…
I view myself as someone who works hard. Sometimes I’m reminded that other folks work a lot harder with less effort. These people are are not people – they are super heroes. One of these people is a judge that I met with non-profit work. He practiced law for about 20 years, sat on the bench for 20 years, and now he is partner at his own firm again…litigating again. He also remains very involved in progressive efforts mostly related to non-profits that advocate for climate change education and any issues related to caring for the less fortunate. Further, he is a father and grand father. Further, he goes swimming early in the morning with his son sometimes. I think I work pretty hard, but if I complained to this judge, I would probably be politely sympathized with but in reality, judge would be thinking…you got a long ways to go miss. That I do. Oh, did I mention that he has written and published at least two books, but more than that I think. Oh and when he was first practicing law, he also directed a law school environmental law program. Ummmm…can I have some of his fire, passion, and skill please? I think I have some skill that can be improved. The fire and passion have fizzled lately, but being reconnected with this judge is always inspiring. Here’s hoping that the inspiration sticks this time and I’m not stuck in the same rut I’m in one year from now.
Happy One Year Anniversary Ratmazing!
I am wishing myself a happy one year anniversary for having this blog for one year. I haven’t made very many posts and my posts do not get very many views. That’s okay though. As long as one person reads it and finds a little bit of joy somewhere along the way…that one person might be me..and that’s enough. =]
I’m still racing. I’m still unimpressed. My best friend still sucks. I remain in love with my red head. My nieces (I now have two of them) are pure joy. Life is good. Happy Anniversary! May you write, may you read, may you learn, may you have joy, and enjoy every moment possible.
A Poem About A Red Head
My red head needs extra love and support right now. He finally found a job and it’s in his chosen interest, but the bosses are not a great fit for him. I really hope this ends up being positive experience for him. I just want him to finally be very, very happy with his career. Thus, I reblog this in honor of my love for my red head and our journey through this rat race.
I was going to write a post about why it’s been so long since I’ve posted a blog – work’s crazy, trials, disorganization mayhem, yadda yadda yadda. And I thought I would further complain about how scary it is to think that I might never have a job i love. Instead, I thought I’d write a silly poem about someone that I love, who makes me so happy, and helps me stay happy no matter how down I feel about work-life (my rat maze).
A Poem About a Red Head by Ratmazing
I have seen them before in school or at a store
I traveled with a girl one to Russia in 2004
They’re on t.v., playing doctors, giving meds:
They’re red heads.
Red heads are funny like Conan and Louis C.K.
Read heads are animated like Fry and Brave.
They’re only 2% of the population
Blasted recessive gene damnation!
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A Poem About A Red Head
I was going to write a post about why it’s been so long since I’ve posted a blog – work’s crazy, trials, disorganization mayhem, yadda yadda yadda. And I thought I would further complain about how scary it is to think that I might never have a job i love. Instead, I thought I’d write a silly poem about someone that I love, who makes me so happy, and helps me stay happy no matter how down I feel about work-life (my rat maze).
A Poem About a Red Head by Ratmazing
I have seen them before in school or at a store
I traveled with a girl one to Russia in 2004
They’re on t.v., playing doctors, giving meds:
They’re red heads.
Red heads are funny like Conan and Louis C.K.
Read heads are animated like Fry and Brave.
They’re only 2% of the population
Blasted recessive gene damnation!
Never did I predict though that in 2009
That I would meet a red headed person that would be mine.
Red heads seem smart because it’s just so
That they appear nerdy. That’s not bad though.
My 2009 red head appeared just as one would imagine
Nerdy, smart, not into trendy fashion
And I am so lucky to have met such a rarity
My claim to a population suffering scarcity
I love my red head.
Ratmazing Copyright (c) 2013 All Rights Reserved
10 Years from now…
I often reflect on how “successful” I am. If I measure my success by my asset to debt ratio, I am currently a failure as I am 6 digits in debt. If I measure how successful I am by how many degrees I have and how much money I earn, I’m do’n pretty well. If I measure my success by how many goals I reached that were listed in my sixth grade journal entry entitled “10 years from now…” I’m pretty okay.
I remember writing a classroom assigned journal entry when I was in sixth grade. The teacher asked the students to write about where we think we would be in life in 10 years. When I was 11-years-old, 10 years from then seemed like it was ages away. Now, at 30, I feel like sixth grade was just yesterday sometimes. Where did the time go, and what have I done with it – time, the most precious thing we have?
In sixth grade, I was really starting to get obsessed with people, hobbies, and stuff that shape who I am today. I was obsessed with Mariah Carey and wanted to be a singer. I think I was introduced to her when my fifth grade class sang her song, Hero, for graduation. I later sang Dreamlover at a sixth grade talent show and got third place (a lot of other kids got third place too, so nothing too special). Along with being obsessed with having vocal chords, I was also obsessed with reading Roald Dahl and other books, so I predicted that I would be in college studying music and writing. I wrote something about the possibility of being married with a kid, but I don’t remember what exactly I wrote.
So, how did I do? I went to college. Yay! I started as a business major. I was a self-taught pianist so that was going to be my way into the music major. When I finally memorized what I thought were a couple of respectable pieces, I auditioned. I failed in terms of getting into the Music Education major, but they let me be a Liberal Arts Music Major. What that means is that I did not get a private instructor for piano, and I did not have access/priority to classes that Music Education majors need for their degree, like high level theory and conducting classes. Wah wah. I re-auditioned the next semester and made it into the Music Education major. Woot woot! Anyway, I studied music, so yay!
I didn’t “study writing”, but my essays got picked multiple times in upper division writing classes as samples for the class to follow. So yay!
But, then what happened?? Why am I now an extremely rusty musician that is a lawyer …mostly practicing civil litigation for debt collectors??
Well, I know the answer to those questions. Like I said, I started college as a business major. I later was a double major, adding the Music major. Going into my third year of college, I decided that I absolutely hated being a business major, so I dropped the major. However, I felt that a music degree alone was not for me – I believe I did not think I was talented enough to survive independently with just a music degree. Luckily (?), there was business law class I took that got me interested in the practice of law. My thought process was: I seem to like law, so which majors will expose me to more “law-like” subjects. In my opinion at the time, my main choices as to what would expose me to “law-like” subjects were political science and criminal justice. I studied the course catalog and figured out which of my credits overlapped the most with which program – criminal justice won.
The criminal justice program required courses in sociology. I recall taking one course that I believe was titled “Social Problems.” During my third hear in college, I took this Social Problems class and was exposed for the first time to the atrocities of international hazardous waste transport – first world countries allow transfer of hazardous waste to third world countries, where third world citizens suffer from unsafe processing. Later, in law school, I wrote a published paper on this topic. In another college sociology class, I was exposed for the first time to foster kids and the difficulties of traversing the “ward” life – foster kids took a place in my heart from that time until forever. Later in college, on a flight home from a Russia study abroad program, a group of Russian foster kids were on the air plane. They. Were. A-dor-a-ble. It broke my heart that they were being flown to America to “test” families and if these families “didn’t work”, they’d be flown right back to Russia with no parents. Foster kids solidified a place in my heart – I don’t think I have a softer place in my heart than the one for foster kids.
These social issues triggered my interest in law again. My thought was that I could use my writing skills and advocacy skills to fight against the injustices faced by underrepresented individuals or populations, like third world citizens and foster kids. So, I was determined to go to law school and figure out how to do this.
I think I’ve done a much better job reaching the goals I set for myself in sixth grade than I have done reaching the goals I set for myself upon deciding to go to law school. Though I’m cursorily involved with non-profit homeless advocacy and legal research of homeless rights, I am a full-time debt collector attorney. YUCK! However, experience is experience, and I am lucky to have what I have. In terms of taking a leap toward my actual dreams, the market has not helped, and the fear of defaulting on my loans keeps me from hanging my own shingle as they say to practice whatever law I want on my own (also the fear of malpractice lawsuits). Someday, I think I’ll be brave enough to do what I really want to do with my law degree. I hope that day is soon. I was brave in sixth grade when I sang in a talent show. I was brave in college when I auditioned for the music major twice. I was brave to go to law school and dive into 6 digits of debt with no promise of a career earning the same digits. Now, with 6 digits of debt, and the fear of becoming a burden on my family that cannot afford me as a burden, I am shak’n in my boots and afraid to reach for my dreams. However, I think I am ready to be brave again, reconnect with my dreams, and use my time more wisely. 10 years from now, my goal is to be an established environmental attorney and foster child advocate.
-Ratmazing
Ratmazing Copyright (c) 2013 All Rights Reserved
Remembering Birthdays
I just celebrated my 30th birthday. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, but I wanted to celebrate somehow. I wanted to celebrate by doing things I enjoy with people I love. I got to do just that. I kayaked with my partner and my best friend. I are crab legs with the same people plus my sister. I later hung out with my nieces. The next day, I had a birthday lunch with my dad, step mom, step bro, sis, bro in law, nieces, and my partner. What fun, what fun. No need for a big party, no party bus, no fancy dinner (steamed crab legs were served in plastic bags)…just relaxing fun and food.
Knowing that I’ll always remember this birthday, I thought back to the past birthdays I can remember. Here is a list of celebrations that come to mind:
8th: Chuck E. Cheese’s w my dad, sis, babysitter, babysitter’s kids, and a couple friends from school.
9th: I started a year round elementary school. I was in class for my birthday.
10th: hotel room (my family had just relocated) and we had pink sponge cake. I believe I got a badminton set. Fun! We played in the hotel room.
12th: my dad drove me, my sister, and a friend to the mall/movie theater, and we saw Water World…all by ourselves. Teehee. I think I got some Mariah Carey cassettes.
19th: I was in Yosemite with my sister. No birthday cake or party, just hiking and seeing beautiful scenery.
20th: I think my best friend threw me a surprise birthday party. Just a few people.
21st: I was in Arkansas visiting my aunt and step uncle. They had a “cook out” for me. My uncle barbecued in his overalls. Complete with home made ice cream and key lime cheese cake. So good!!
22-28: blur. I know I did a bonfire one year, jazz bar another year, nothing much other years, oh sea world one year with my partner, and Disney Land once with a friend, and many years family dinners/lunches.
29: lunch at my dad/step mom’s with addition of a couple of my good friends. My niece and my friend’s kid ran around in the sprinklers. 🙂
Birthdays are fun. I hope that someday soon I live in a home that allows me to host parties for my birthday…and other parties. I’m 30 and I think at least I’m getting closer to getting a place that can host parties. Wish I were closer. Can’t ask for too much though.
It is Time to Get Undepressed
I’m depressed by my lack of motivation to change my situation. Where did my gumption go? What happen to the guts I had to even apply to law school, go to law school, obtain big fat loans for law school, travel to Russia, travel to France, and graduate law school? What happen to the guts I had when I sang in talent shows, ran for student body president, auditioned to be graduation speaker, tried out for soccer though I had never played, and auditioned to be a music major again even though I failed the first time? I attended law school despite a pretty strong shy gene and fear of public speaking. What happened to me? I used to be so gutsy. I think guts went away once I started digging myself out of this six digit hole of debt (law school loans). There was no other way that I could have obtained a law degree though, and that is what I wanted so that I could someday advocate for the earth or for less fortunate people. Now, the fear of defaulting has taken away my guts. That makes me depressed. I just barely have the guts to stay involved with environmental law on a volunteer basis. It’s scary for me because every time I volunteer in that are of law, I have to face the fact that I may never get to do that type of work on a regular basis – that is just depressing. Perhaps this possibility is also squashing what guts I have left – there is just more fear to have at this point in my life than there was when I was 11, 15, 21, 25. There is less time for me to “figure it out.”
Sometimes I try to convince myself that I’m still that gutsy person, but I think I’m just now realizing that she is gone. If I were still that gutsy person, I think I would be closer to what I want in my career. I fear losing my current job. I fear never finding a job I like. I fear rejection when I apply for jobs I really want. Perhaps instead of being afraid, I should be motivated to get passed my fears and die trying my heart out. Apply apply apply. Network network network. Volunteer volunteer volunteer. It’s just exhausting though…because the fear of never finding something more satisfying than what I have now is there. Why don’t I just hunker down and learn how to be satisfied with what I have. This “learning” must also include “learning” how not to be depressed that I am not where I want to be. Otherwise, how am I to start a family someday with such an unhealthy outlook on life.
It is time to get undepressed. I have made up a word, yes. But, it is time. I shall make it point to write about all my efforts to have those guts I used to have by volunteering and networking vigorously and applying for jobs I may not even be qualified for over and over and over again until I change my situation. I refuse to change my attitude because that means I’m settling for a situation that is not what I want. I shall change my situation. Instead of okay store brand cheese, I’m going to go find triple cream brie St. Andre cheese.
-Ratmazing
(c) Copyright All Rights Reserved Ratmazing 2013
I Am Unimpressed
After 3.5 years of being a licensed attorney, I have had two full-time lawyer jobs now. I am unimpressed with both firms. However, sometimes I think, is it me? Is something wrong with me?
What was wrong with my first firm? Severely negative management. Really bad contracts with clients. Repeatedly allowing clients not to pay and blaming it on association attorneys for no real reason. Too much to do, but at least there were effective tools to get help. Almost no raises despite high profit. Bad management in that management lacked real leadership, but at least it was somewhat organized. Fortunately, there were some non-management senior attorneys that helped a lot of associates stay afloat.
I was so incredibly happy when I left my first firm. I remember just feeling so incredibly happy. Now, that feeling is going away, and it make me really disappointed. I’m worried about whether I will ever be able to be happy at my job. I really want to be. I have started applying for new job and really hope to find a job that will at least have me feeling less disappointed. I’m so tired of this rat race that I don’t even want to aim for “happy” anymore. I think I would just be okay learning how to cope with just not being so disappointed in my job. That would be great.
My second firm started off great. Number one, I get paid a bunch more. Number two, management is not so severely negative. Number three, nope, those are the best positives, no number three. Now, I’m running into so many negatives, that I’m losing that feeling of happiness that I had when I started. That feeling comes back around quite frequently still, but I can feel it slipping away as each day brings new disappointments.
What is wrong with my current firm? Severely disorganized file management. Efforts to get organized are not supported by senior professional staff – how are we supposed to get more organized if senior staff does not support the use of new tools?? Everybody is overloaded with tasks. Management allows overload to continue and continuously accepts “f#ck ups” due to workers being too busy. Failure to timely pay contract employees. Failure to constructively criticize below par workers. Favoritism due to personal connections. No clear hierarchy of legal staff – vague blurry lines but no real hierarchy – this leads to vagaries in whom is in charge of what and whom (I guess this goes back to disorganization). This leads to the problem of failure to constructively criticize – i.e., am I allowed to critique an employee that I am not “in charge” of? Who am I in charge of? Another problem is that I awkwardly know about cash flow issues and was victim of getting paid late, so it is really awkward now to even consider asking for a raise even though of course I deserve one. I would really like to find new employment before asking for a raise becomes glaringly necessary. I mean, who doesn’t ask for a raise at some point – it would be weird if I didn’t at least eventually ask.
The saving grace of my current job is money. I get paid at least 30% more than I used to get paid, and I don’t have to work as many hours to get what I get paid now – it’s about a 10 hour/week decrease. The other saving grace is that it got me out of my awful prior job and got me away from severely negative management. Instead, however, I get to work for severely disorganized management, which leads to so many problems and stress.
After writing the above, I have found that I should still feel very, very happy about having my second job. Less negativity in my work place with more money and less hours. Who am I to complain? Happiness is coming back.
I think I’m just really grumpy about my second job today because we have an incompetent paralegal who was recently promoted over a much more competent and level-headed paralegal. I believe this decision was based on favoritism because the promoter has a past personal relationship with the incompetent paralegal. I guess such favoritism should not irk me that much because the only reason I have this job is through a past personal relationship as well. However, I wouldn’t expect a promotion unless I was actually qualified. I’m just disappointed because the incompetent paralegal should be re-trained in work habits and basic administrative skills, while the other paralegal should be promoted. I’m sad for the competent paralegal and angry for her. It is difficult for me to keep my anger to myself as I have found it more and more difficult to tolerate the lack of skills I see in the incompetent paralegal everyday. I have tried so hard to be nice, and lately, the incompetent paralegal has noticed that I have been short with her. I think it really started to get to me when I brought my concerns to the promoter’s attention, and I know another attorney brought concerns to the promoters attention, but the reaction was for the incompetent paralegal to get a promotion. WHY??? Because of the past personal relationship – that is the only possible answer in my opinion and it enrages me on behalf of the more qualified paralegal. I suppose I just need to get over it and embrace the happiness that this job brings me personally. I cannot quite do that though because I care about the competent paralegal and want her to be recognized. I guess it’s not my choice. Perhaps I should just start my own firm if I am to be so critical.
I think my satisfaction with my first two lawyer jobs has to do with my personality for sure and not just the firms themselves. I had high expectations as to what my law degree could help me achieve. They’re lower now and I’m less disappointed. At the same time, I know – well, it just HAS TO BE the case – that there are offices out there that would make me oh so happy to be a lawyer everyday. I know they exist. I know lawyers who appear a lot happier than I feel. They don’t have complaints like I do. But then again, maybe they’re more cut out for this world than I am. Maybe I should have been a music teacher instead. I’d have lower income, but less debt. I might get bored, but I’d be pretty happy I think. I don’t know. Sometimes, I’m reminded that I picked the right career path, such as when I accomplish something cool or I write a motion no one else in the office could have written or when I see volunteer legal work put to good use. At other times, I wonder if my big risk (law school loans) was worth it. I still think my time is coming – the time I realize I did pick the right path. Until then, I shall wonder and hope that part of the reason this path was right is because of the activist work it has exposed me to. Too bad I can’t spend 60 hours a week just doing activist work though…even if I could spend 20 hours a week doing that type of work, I’d be so thrilled. I suppose I should just jump ship (quit my job and go solo) and do it. That would be a scary maze though…would I find enough cheese?
-Ratmazing
(c) Copyright All Rights Reserved Ratmazing 2013
Ratmazing 