I often reflect on how “successful” I am. If I measure my success by my asset to debt ratio, I am currently a failure as I am 6 digits in debt. If I measure how successful I am by how many degrees I have and how much money I earn, I’m do’n pretty well. If I measure my success by how many goals I reached that were listed in my sixth grade journal entry entitled “10 years from now…” I’m pretty okay.
I remember writing a classroom assigned journal entry when I was in sixth grade. The teacher asked the students to write about where we think we would be in life in 10 years. When I was 11-years-old, 10 years from then seemed like it was ages away. Now, at 30, I feel like sixth grade was just yesterday sometimes. Where did the time go, and what have I done with it – time, the most precious thing we have?
In sixth grade, I was really starting to get obsessed with people, hobbies, and stuff that shape who I am today. I was obsessed with Mariah Carey and wanted to be a singer. I think I was introduced to her when my fifth grade class sang her song, Hero, for graduation. I later sang Dreamlover at a sixth grade talent show and got third place (a lot of other kids got third place too, so nothing too special). Along with being obsessed with having vocal chords, I was also obsessed with reading Roald Dahl and other books, so I predicted that I would be in college studying music and writing. I wrote something about the possibility of being married with a kid, but I don’t remember what exactly I wrote.
So, how did I do? I went to college. Yay! I started as a business major. I was a self-taught pianist so that was going to be my way into the music major. When I finally memorized what I thought were a couple of respectable pieces, I auditioned. I failed in terms of getting into the Music Education major, but they let me be a Liberal Arts Music Major. What that means is that I did not get a private instructor for piano, and I did not have access/priority to classes that Music Education majors need for their degree, like high level theory and conducting classes. Wah wah. I re-auditioned the next semester and made it into the Music Education major. Woot woot! Anyway, I studied music, so yay!
I didn’t “study writing”, but my essays got picked multiple times in upper division writing classes as samples for the class to follow. So yay!
But, then what happened?? Why am I now an extremely rusty musician that is a lawyer …mostly practicing civil litigation for debt collectors??
Well, I know the answer to those questions. Like I said, I started college as a business major. I later was a double major, adding the Music major. Going into my third year of college, I decided that I absolutely hated being a business major, so I dropped the major. However, I felt that a music degree alone was not for me – I believe I did not think I was talented enough to survive independently with just a music degree. Luckily (?), there was business law class I took that got me interested in the practice of law. My thought process was: I seem to like law, so which majors will expose me to more “law-like” subjects. In my opinion at the time, my main choices as to what would expose me to “law-like” subjects were political science and criminal justice. I studied the course catalog and figured out which of my credits overlapped the most with which program – criminal justice won.
The criminal justice program required courses in sociology. I recall taking one course that I believe was titled “Social Problems.” During my third hear in college, I took this Social Problems class and was exposed for the first time to the atrocities of international hazardous waste transport – first world countries allow transfer of hazardous waste to third world countries, where third world citizens suffer from unsafe processing. Later, in law school, I wrote a published paper on this topic. In another college sociology class, I was exposed for the first time to foster kids and the difficulties of traversing the “ward” life – foster kids took a place in my heart from that time until forever. Later in college, on a flight home from a Russia study abroad program, a group of Russian foster kids were on the air plane. They. Were. A-dor-a-ble. It broke my heart that they were being flown to America to “test” families and if these families “didn’t work”, they’d be flown right back to Russia with no parents. Foster kids solidified a place in my heart – I don’t think I have a softer place in my heart than the one for foster kids.
These social issues triggered my interest in law again. My thought was that I could use my writing skills and advocacy skills to fight against the injustices faced by underrepresented individuals or populations, like third world citizens and foster kids. So, I was determined to go to law school and figure out how to do this.
I think I’ve done a much better job reaching the goals I set for myself in sixth grade than I have done reaching the goals I set for myself upon deciding to go to law school. Though I’m cursorily involved with non-profit homeless advocacy and legal research of homeless rights, I am a full-time debt collector attorney. YUCK! However, experience is experience, and I am lucky to have what I have. In terms of taking a leap toward my actual dreams, the market has not helped, and the fear of defaulting on my loans keeps me from hanging my own shingle as they say to practice whatever law I want on my own (also the fear of malpractice lawsuits). Someday, I think I’ll be brave enough to do what I really want to do with my law degree. I hope that day is soon. I was brave in sixth grade when I sang in a talent show. I was brave in college when I auditioned for the music major twice. I was brave to go to law school and dive into 6 digits of debt with no promise of a career earning the same digits. Now, with 6 digits of debt, and the fear of becoming a burden on my family that cannot afford me as a burden, I am shak’n in my boots and afraid to reach for my dreams. However, I think I am ready to be brave again, reconnect with my dreams, and use my time more wisely. 10 years from now, my goal is to be an established environmental attorney and foster child advocate.
-Ratmazing
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