10 Years from now…

I often reflect on how “successful” I am. If I measure my success by my asset to debt ratio, I am currently a failure as I am 6 digits in debt. If I measure how successful I am by how many degrees I have and how much money I earn, I’m do’n pretty well. If I measure my success by how many goals I reached that were listed in my sixth grade journal entry entitled “10 years from now…” I’m pretty okay.

I remember writing a classroom assigned journal entry when I was in sixth grade. The teacher asked the students to write about where we think we would be in life in 10 years.  When I was 11-years-old, 10 years from then seemed like it was ages away.  Now, at 30, I feel like sixth grade was just yesterday sometimes.  Where did the time go, and what have I done with it – time, the most precious thing we have?

In sixth grade, I was really starting to get obsessed with people, hobbies, and stuff that shape who I am today.  I was obsessed with Mariah Carey and wanted to be a singer.  I think I was introduced to her when my fifth grade class sang her song, Hero, for graduation.  I later sang Dreamlover at a sixth grade talent show and got third place (a lot of other kids got third place too, so nothing too special).  Along with being obsessed with having vocal chords, I was also obsessed with reading Roald Dahl and other books, so I  predicted that I would be in college studying music and writing. I wrote something about the possibility of being married with a kid, but I don’t remember what exactly I wrote.

So, how did I do?  I went to college.  Yay! I started as a business major.  I was a self-taught pianist so that was going to be my way into the music major.  When I finally memorized what I thought were a couple of respectable pieces, I auditioned.  I failed in terms of getting into the Music Education major, but they let me be a Liberal Arts Music Major. What that means is that I did not get a private instructor for piano, and I did not have access/priority to classes that Music Education majors need for their degree, like high level theory and conducting classes. Wah wah.  I re-auditioned the next semester and made it into the Music Education major.  Woot woot! Anyway, I studied music, so yay!

I didn’t “study writing”, but my essays got picked multiple times in upper division writing classes as samples for the class to follow.  So yay!

But, then what happened?? Why am I now an extremely rusty musician that is a lawyer …mostly practicing civil litigation for debt collectors??

Well, I know the answer to those questions.  Like I said, I started college as a business major.  I later was a double major, adding the Music major.  Going into my third year of college, I decided that I absolutely hated being a business major, so I dropped the major. However, I felt that a music degree alone was not for me – I believe I did not think I was talented enough to survive independently with just a music degree.  Luckily (?), there was business law class I took that got me interested in the practice of law.  My thought process was:  I seem to like law, so which majors will expose me to more “law-like” subjects.  In my opinion at the time, my main choices as to what would expose me to “law-like” subjects were political science and criminal justice.  I studied the course catalog and figured out which of my credits overlapped the most with which program – criminal justice won.

The criminal justice program required courses in sociology.  I recall taking one course that I believe was titled “Social Problems.”  During my third hear in college, I took this Social Problems class and was exposed for the first time to the atrocities of international hazardous waste transport – first world countries allow transfer of hazardous waste to third world countries, where third world citizens suffer from unsafe processing.   Later, in law school, I wrote a published paper on this topic.  In another college sociology class, I was exposed for the first time to foster kids and the difficulties of traversing the “ward” life – foster kids took a place in my heart from that time until forever.  Later in college, on a flight home from a Russia study abroad program, a group of Russian foster kids were on the air plane.  They.  Were. A-dor-a-ble.  It broke my heart that they were being flown to America to “test” families and if these families “didn’t work”, they’d be flown right back to Russia with no parents.  Foster kids solidified a place in my heart – I don’t think I have a softer place in my heart than the one for foster kids.

These social issues triggered my interest in law again.  My thought was that I could use my writing skills and advocacy skills to fight against the injustices faced by underrepresented individuals or populations, like third world citizens and foster kids.  So, I was determined to go to law school and figure out how to do this.

I think I’ve done a much better job reaching the goals I set for myself in sixth grade than I have done reaching the goals I set for myself upon deciding to go to law school.   Though I’m cursorily involved with non-profit homeless advocacy and legal research of homeless rights, I am a full-time debt collector attorney.  YUCK!  However, experience is experience, and I am lucky to have what I have.  In terms of taking a leap toward my actual dreams, the market has not helped, and the fear of defaulting on my loans keeps me from hanging my own shingle as they say to practice whatever law I want on my own (also the fear of malpractice lawsuits).  Someday, I think I’ll be brave enough to do what I really want to do with my law degree.  I hope that day is soon.  I was brave in sixth grade when I sang in a talent show.  I was brave in college when I auditioned for the music major twice. I was brave to go to law school and dive into 6 digits of debt with no promise of a career earning the same digits.  Now, with 6 digits of debt, and the fear of becoming a burden on my family that cannot afford me as a burden, I am shak’n in my boots and afraid to reach for my dreams.  However, I think I am ready to be brave again, reconnect with my dreams, and use my time more wisely.  10 years from now, my goal is to be an established environmental attorney and foster child advocate.

-Ratmazing

Ratmazing Copyright (c) 2013 All Rights Reserved

Remembering Birthdays

I just celebrated my 30th birthday. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, but I wanted to celebrate somehow. I wanted to celebrate by doing things I enjoy with people I love. I got to do just that. I kayaked with my partner and my best friend. I are crab legs with the same people plus my sister. I later hung out with my nieces. The next day, I had a birthday lunch with my dad, step mom, step bro, sis, bro in law, nieces, and my partner. What fun, what fun. No need for a big party, no party bus, no fancy dinner (steamed crab legs were served in plastic bags)…just relaxing fun and food.

Knowing that I’ll always remember this birthday, I thought back to the past birthdays I can remember. Here is a list of celebrations that come to mind:

8th: Chuck E. Cheese’s w my dad, sis, babysitter, babysitter’s kids, and a couple friends from school.

9th: I started a year round elementary school. I was in class for my birthday.

10th: hotel room (my family had just relocated) and we had pink sponge cake. I believe I got a badminton set. Fun! We played in the hotel room.

12th: my dad drove me, my sister, and a friend to the mall/movie theater, and we saw Water World…all by ourselves. Teehee. I think I got some Mariah Carey cassettes.

19th: I was in Yosemite with my sister. No birthday cake or party, just hiking and seeing beautiful scenery.

20th: I think my best friend threw me a surprise birthday party. Just a few people.

21st: I was in Arkansas visiting my aunt and step uncle. They had a “cook out” for me. My uncle barbecued in his overalls. Complete with home made ice cream and key lime cheese cake. So good!!

22-28: blur. I know I did a bonfire one year, jazz bar another year, nothing much other years, oh sea world one year with my partner, and Disney Land once with a friend, and many years family dinners/lunches.

29: lunch at my dad/step mom’s with addition of a couple of my good friends. My niece and my friend’s kid ran around in the sprinklers. 🙂

Birthdays are fun. I hope that someday soon I live in a home that allows me to host parties for my birthday…and other parties. I’m 30 and I think at least I’m getting closer to getting a place that can host parties. Wish I were closer. Can’t ask for too much though.

It is Time to Get Undepressed

I’m depressed by my lack of motivation to change my situation.  Where did my gumption go?  What happen to the guts I had to even apply to law school, go to law school, obtain big fat loans for law school, travel to Russia, travel to France, and graduate law school?  What happen to the guts I had when I sang in talent shows, ran for student body president, auditioned to be graduation speaker, tried out for soccer though I had never played, and auditioned to be a music major again even though I failed the first time?  I attended law school despite a pretty strong shy gene and fear of public speaking.  What happened to me?  I used to be so gutsy.  I think guts went away once I started digging myself out of this six digit hole of debt (law school loans).  There was no other way that I could have obtained a law degree though, and that is what I wanted so that I could someday advocate for the earth or for less fortunate people.  Now, the fear of defaulting has taken away my guts.  That makes me depressed.  I just barely have the guts to stay involved with environmental law on a volunteer basis.  It’s scary for me because every time I volunteer in that are of law, I have to face the fact that I may never get to do that type of work on a regular basis – that is just depressing.  Perhaps this possibility is also squashing what guts I have left – there is just more fear to have at this point in my life than there was when I was 11, 15, 21, 25.  There is less time for me to “figure it out.”

Sometimes I try to convince myself that I’m still that gutsy person, but I think I’m just now realizing that she is gone.  If I were still that gutsy person, I think I would be closer to what I want in my career.  I fear losing my current job.  I fear never finding a job I like.  I fear rejection when I apply for jobs I really want.  Perhaps instead of being afraid, I should be motivated to get passed my fears and die trying my heart out.  Apply apply apply. Network network network.  Volunteer volunteer volunteer.  It’s just exhausting though…because the fear of never finding something more satisfying than what I have now is there. Why don’t I just hunker down and learn how to be satisfied with what I have.  This “learning” must also include “learning” how not to be depressed that I am not where I want to be. Otherwise, how am I to start a family someday with such an unhealthy outlook on life.

It is time to get undepressed.  I have made up a word, yes.  But, it is time.  I shall make it point to write about all my efforts to have those guts I used to have by volunteering and networking vigorously and applying for jobs I may not even be qualified for over and over and over again until I change my situation.  I refuse to change my attitude because that means I’m settling for a situation that is not what I want.  I shall change my situation.  Instead of okay store brand cheese, I’m going to go find triple cream brie St. Andre cheese.

-Ratmazing

 

(c) Copyright All Rights Reserved Ratmazing 2013

Hu-mons are Ferengi

The Ferengi are an alien species that were highlighted in Deep Space Nine, a Star Trek TV series. The show paints this species in what is supposed to be a somewhat negative light because they care about profit over pretty much anything else. Not all Ferengi are the same, and there are what we are supposed to see as more enlightened Ferengi on the show. The show largely makes fun of the Ferengi way of profits. Quark is a main Ferengi character that owns a bar/casino on the deep space station. All he seems to want is more profit. Profit profit profit.

As I have been in the work force in several different ways now for the past 15 years and I’ve observed anomalies outside of the work world, it seems to me that hu-mons (“humans” as Ferengi pronounce) are much like Ferengi. Perhaps DS9 was a satire on the capitalist hu-mon and was meant to poke fun and shine light on the negative hu-mon tendency to value profit over all else.

Hu-mons are Ferengi, Exhibit A:
My current boss. On the surface, appears to be a generous guy. He gives big bonuses to all nonprofessional staff during the holidays (or end of the year depending on how you think of December). He hosts pot locks for us. He got the professional staff fancy gifts. He had us driven to our head shots in a limo just to make the day fun. BUT. His true Ferengi is exposed in making sure the lowest paid attorney works on the matters that we are most likely to get paid on quickly EVEN THOUGH these matters might be way over the lowest paid attorney’s head. He attempts to pay an employee in increments even though the employee is owed the full amount and did not agree to be treated like a credit card because he would rather put money toward his bills with interest. He plots to utilize nonprofessional staff for professional work and insinuates that professional personnels’ jobs are not secure because of this option EVEN THOUGH the nonprofessional staff are not qualified to do the professional jobs. He plots to start another unrelated business to make more profit and begins to neglect the business growth of the less profitable venture at the expense of the organization and well being of the employees and business and clients. He doesn’t care that I’ve worked til the early a.m. hours multiple times as long as the client is paying – no thank you for your hard work at all. He’s a Ferengi!!

Hu-mons are Ferengi, Exhibit B:
My prior job was booming in light of the plummeting economy, yet 99% of its employees received an average of a 3% raise during those booming years. Did this really result in more profit with such high turnover and disdain from its employees?? Ill never know, but my guess is that it did more harm than good. This prior firm squeezed multiple people into offices, squished, instead of moving to a bigger building. For profit I’m sure but what a joke we must have looked like whenever clients came to visit. This prior firm gave everyone a $100 Target gift card as an annual bonus, EVEN lawyers who bring way more money into the firm than they are paid. I spy with my little eye…FERENGI!

Hu-mons are Ferengi, Exhibit C:
Why are there still gas cars?

Hu-mons are Ferengi, Exhibit D:
Professional sports are no good for CIties yet somehow Cities are convinced to subsidize teams all the time. Power of the PLB, PFL, and PBA – the Profit League Baseball, Profit Football League, and Profit Basketball Association. Somehow the people value a sport’s team’s profit more than the overall well-being of a City. Thats quite a fast one the professional sports world has pulled on us. There can only be one explanation. FERENGI! Ok, well and ignorance.

Hu-mons are Ferengi, Exhibit E:
Why are there so many unused transmission lines? PROFIT! FERENGI!

Hu-mons are Ferengi, Exhibit F:
Why are people without health care? Because hospitals would lose profit! FERENGI!

I can go on and on, but I’ll stop here. I’m off to earn my latinum.

-Ratmazing (c) All Rights Reserved Ratmazing

Rats are Lucky Because They Don’t Need Shoes

I have small feet, but they’re on the wide side. Thus, a size 5.5 or 6 works as long as it’s made wide. Sometimes, my size is so hard to find. Either my big toe is squished or my pinky toe hangs off of a sandal or there are only ugly shoes in my size. However, I learned that I had it easy compared to my partner. Try having long feet, with a skinny heel and toes that fan out like a flipper.

When I met my partner, I think he had three pairs of shoes, each of which he had owned for at least a couple of years – a pair of sandals that are secured with velcro straps, a pair of New Balance walking shoes, and a pair of running shoes. When my partner’s birthday and the holidays came around, I naturally thought that new shoes would be the perfect gift. The hunt began.

Foremost, big shoes are expensive especially if you need special big shoes that are wide. My partner and I just cannot seem to find many shoes that fit my partner, first of all, but second of all, anything we find is near the $100 range. We’re not the usual $100 range shoe-buying folk.

Additionally, on top of already having odd shaped feet, I think my partner may be the pickiest person in the world. We went to one of those big shoe stores, and they had a pretty good variety of shoes to pick from and seemed to have the sizes my partner needed. For example, there was a whole row of sandals, rows of tennis shoes, not to mention a clearance rack, and I walked by a few and saw that large sizes were available. I was hopeful. My partner tried on shoe after shoe after sandal after sandal – nothing was worthy. We did not buy shoes that day. So much for getting my partner new shoes as a present.

Since then, my partner finally settled on a pair of sandals and a couple of new pairs of tennis shoes. However, settled is the key word. His feet are uncomfortable for one reason or another in all of these shoes.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago when we decided to stop by a New Balance store. All but one pair of shoes is over $100. My partner finally tries on a pair of shoes and says, “They’re not bad.” New Balance happens to have size 14, 4e wide in stock, whereas most stores do not keep such a variety of sizes. He decides to buy them – $130 and three years later, my partner has finally found a pair of shoes that actually feel “not bad.” Eeeesh. Who knew that something as simple as a comfortable shoe could be so difficult for someone to find.

UPDATE: the shoes my partner just found that were “not bad” have been returned because they ended up hurting his feet. The search continues.

-Ratmazing (c) Copyright 2013 All Rights Reserved Ratmazing

Money, Money, Money. Just Get Paid.

I am trying so hard to enjoy my job.  I did enjoy my job when I first arrived.  It was great.  I made my own schedule.  The company was relieved I was there because I was relieving the other workers of big tasks.  It allowed me to leave a job that I loathed.  Now, I’m coming to loathe this job, and the feeling that it’s me – and not the job – that is the problem keeps popping into my head.  Is this my fault?  Short answer: no.

Employment can blow chunks in many different ways.  You could be severely underpaid.  You could be severely under appreciated.  You could be lied to about why you do not get raises (i.e., told the company is not making enough money when in fact profit margins are quite large).  You could have a terrible boss or bosses.  Worse yet, your  job could entail all of the above. 

Another way employment can be sawdust in your eye, as I have learned recently, is that it could be completely disorganized with no recognition or real effort to fix the problems that come with disorganization.  What really could test your sanity is when the employer’s disorganization results in the employer being unable to pay you for work performed.  What can put you into crazy-desperate-get-me-outta-here mode is when you have to wait over 90 days to get paid for work performed, have uncomfortable conversations with your boss, and send awkward emails requesting payment be made in full by a certain date.  The worst part is waiting for a response after sending said awkward emails.  It. Is. Awful.  I am going crazy. Get me the F*CK outta here!

This is completely ridiculous.  Why should I have to suffer for my employer’s shortcomings?  I am not a shareholder or a partner. Albeit, I was a contract worker for the time period that I have not been paid and have since transitioned to being an actual employee (with consistent paychecks) – I worked my last contract period 90 fucking days ago.  It goes without saying that I was relying on that money.  My employer has given me sob stories about how small companies suffer from cash flow problems all the time and that he’ll pay me as soon as it’s possible.  Bull shit.  Put off your other bills and pay your now-employee before she becomes disgruntled.  Oh – too late!

It is very difficult to be a bad employee though because my reputation in the industry is precious in my field.  I have to continue to do my best and put my best foot forward – it is unfortunately the law and my future depends on it.  I am now trying very hard to get the heck outta this place not only because I want so much to move back to my home town but also because I cannot stand being put in this very awkward position. 

This employer has driven me to loath it in a very different way than my prior employer did.  Whereas my prior employer was more direct in its poor treatment of employees – outright lies and severely low salaries – this employer’s faults show up in less direct ways.  I am underpaid in the sense that I have to wait over 90 days.  I am now over-tasked and am not taken seriously when I instruct that I should not be assigned any new tasks until I notify that I am freed up.  I stay late to work on a big deal while other workers go home early even though I have asked them for help – my list of tasks I need help with, not fully addressed. My authority over an administrative staff person is undermined without my knowing when I’m the one who is tasked with utilizing this staff person to help organize the company.  This is becoming a passive aggressive, very unhealthy relationship.  Aside from being severely underpaid, I would almost rather be directly treated badly.  Because I am more fairly compensated with my current employer, I prefer being in a state of loathing this current employer over loathing my prior employer – hands down, no contest.

It is, however, disappointing to once again go to work unmotivated, loathing, annoyed, and it is scary that I am having trouble keeping these emotions hidden.  What helps me get through the day sometimes is that I get paid for all this disorganized bull shit work that I do.  I think about the money and the fun things I can do with the money: the food I can buy, the presents I can buy, the bills I can pay,  the tips I can give, and the donations I can make.  I literally think in my head as I go to work sometimes, “Money, money money. Just get paid.”  I think I got this phrase from an ‘Nsync song as I think it in my head in the tune of the ‘Nsync song. (Yes, I enjoy ‘Nsync.) Though I very annoyingly have not been paid for work I did in March, I have been continuously paid for the periods following March.  I am still owed a big chunk of money that I was relying on and that really makes me angry, but I can be happy that I get the rest of my paychecks.

Even given my pretty reliable income, here I am loathing my employer while many folks are out there still looking for their first gig in three years.  I am eternally grateful to be in a position to loathe my employer.  It’s simply a better position to be in than many other positions.  However, I know the universe has something better for me out there.  I know I could be doing something better for me, better for society, and yet still not bad on my wallet.  I know I can find it – I just have to keep looking.  Wish this rat some luck making it to her cheese.

-Ratmazing

-Ratmazing(c) Copyright 2013 All Rights Reserved Ratmazing

This Maze Sucks

I hated my “best friend’s” wedding. I think people suck.  I never want to get married because the whole thing is stupid.  My job is annoying, disorganized, and I’m not even that good at it.  Go me!

My Best Friend Did Not Invite my Love & Partner to her Wedding

I am not rich. To the contrary, I have minimal disposable income. I am a Board Member of a nonprofit that is having its annual fundraising event the same day as my “best friend’s” bachelorette party. I am a bridesmaid. I’m choosing to attend my best friend’s bachelorette party that requires a plane ticket and whole weekend. I made this choice without any doubt that it is the only choice. She is my best friend. Of course I choose her. I just recently found out, however, that my live-in partner of three years is not invited to the wedding. I know that she used to not like my partner but the dislike was largely my fault in that I often vented the negative stories while failing to highlight the positives. Further, we later had a heart to heart about her like/dislike of my partner and I thought we resolved that she would be positive toward my relationship because I love my partner and her support was important to me.

Now that I have found out that my partner is not invited, I have reassessed the sacrifices I must make to be a good bridesmaid and friend perhaps. I must miss my nonprofit’s annual event, I must buy a plane ticket, I must buy two nights at a hotel for the bachelorette weekend, I have been asked to keep my hair long even though I want to chop it. I am now also asked to put my “good friend” face on while I am metaphorically slapped in the face by my “best friend” via wedding politics.

I have been mulling this situation over in my head wondering if I’m a bad friend for reacting negatively at all that my partner is simply not invited. I have gone back and forth. I have thought,“She doesn’t mean anything by it…she really just must be mindful as to costs of filling seats at her wedding.” But then I think, “We are self-proclaimed best effing friends forever…isn’t that sister status? Why the fuck can’t I bring my long-time lover to experience my best friend’s wedding with me??? Why? Because she doesn’t like him?? Who cares why?” Agh! I searched the Internet for information on how best to handle this situation. I’m still lost.

All I know is that I’ve lost excitement over the bachelorette party, I no longer want to sacrifice my weekend or my nonprofit event for her, I want to chop my hair off now, and I want to leave the wedding as soon as I can so that I can go be with my partner.

These feelings are not wrong or right, and I cannot change my feelings. The question is: do I ever tell her how she has made me feel? Like our “best friend” status is a sham. I found some validation as to my reactions at a pretty well known wedding website, theknot.com here is an excerpt:

Why He’s Invited: Okay, so it’s a little stranger that he wears Batman T-shirts and barely talks. But even if he’s not your fave, your bridesmaid loves him — and she’s gone through a lot with you (read: three dress fittings, two cake tastings, and one crazy breakdown over your flowers). Not inviting her boyfriend (he’s not exactly a random fling, you know) would be a huge slap in the face.

Read more: 8 People You Don’t Want to Invite to the Wedding (but Have To!) – Wedding Guests – Wedding Planning http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-guests/articles/8-people-you-dont-want-to-invite-to-your-wedding-but-have-to.aspx#ixzz2RAndE9xR

End excerpt.

Even though I feel like I’m being slapped in the face, there’s not much I can do about it that doesn’t raise the risk of messing up our friendship. But maybe it’s already messed up. Should I be spending hundreds of dollars and sacrificing my time for a friendship that is already messed up???